A wish that once was.. .

The wish that once was.. .

A wish is mine and a wish is yours
what I do calling my own reflects you oh love
a part of me alone where I get to see not..

"That's my wish!" or "I am going to do what I want to" sounds quite assuring when one is going through the ‘am strengthening myself’ phase of their life.. Asserting our self, our thoughts and then finally our own identity on to an altogether new set of conditions and people in life can really end up complicating almost everything .

Now what’s really this ‘my wish’? Does it exist at all? Or do we always get to do what we want to? During the self actualization phase when we seemingly do things that we want to, are we really taking decisions and stepping on our own footprints or unconsciously after being influenced by family, friends and situations we are doing what might be the reflection of many ideologies that we have agreed on to or not while on our way to get to know life?

Well, yes, life is surely a question!

Sometime back I got down to think that life is not really a mystery and there are really no unknown passages or secret doorways that we are destined to unravel as and when the right time comes.. and also came above to believe that through knowing the meaning of our dreams we can really get to know which way life is going to lead us… and also the possibility of knowing whom are we going to come across in life..

Now when I believed in my dreams, they really guided me well.. To let my conscience know I even started writing my dreams the moment I woke up.. and that really sorted out things in my heart for true. After a week or two.. I did get to know something about the people in my life, about places am yet to discover and about people I am yet to meet. All this was going great and I was so close to strengthening my self and thoughts.

But reality got me and after a while I realized that the reality, the immediate surrounding that we live in has such a strong presence that it can extricate us from our deepest past and melancholy and from the thoughts and vision of our most passionate future. What actually gives the present so much of power over the most adamantine possession that we have: thoughts?

What is with us really is. And what is not, can be but not right away.

The present, which has people walking , talking, eating, laughing and just doing something has a certain motion and a force about it that it seems to bring back one from the past they wish to live in or from the future that they dream of. It says ‘ am right here, take me’. And since this force is sitting right there with the time and you got to face it the moment you wake up, it tends to make seem all the dreams as dreams alone. Something seen when there is not much active force surrounding us. And once the mysterious charm of tracking down life through unknown ways and unspoken glances is questioned and asked to justify its presence, well the wall comes in and therein dissolves all the thoughts bridging the present with the future.

Acceptance without questioning, not everyone can do.

And those who can accept it can really live their life. . because at night when we lose our self to sleep , we dream.. its the only thing that comes our way unasked.. it knocks on our door and silently takes us away and makes us experience.. it asks us not our wish… but represents it somewhere in the moments that it makes us to live… that’s how a wish is truly expressed ..


and the same goes for people in our life.. we can go on saying every single day ‘hey that’s my wish or I wanna do it that way’ but just like in our actions of so called ‘following our own will’ we reflect the wishes of our dear ones and so do they… just that we don’t get to know this that easily.. and even if we do.. well… do we really believe that ? Naa… !! We don’t wanna make life issueless.. right?

A wish when seen by another wish remains no more a dream. What is not a dream, becomes the present, a reality..



Akanksha Chaudhary

do i hear you say.. ' move on .. . '

‘ I don’t know’ when becomes the answer to every question asked, then every answer that comes to voice becomes uncertain . .

In life we often say, it was destined or whatever happened was for good only or that when past starts to hurt, we should learn from it and move on.

Moving on. . ? what really do we mean by that or for how long can we even get on to follow that in our routine. If for a day one is with the friends taking a day out and in the process of laughing out with the same intensity of old habit one may also even feel that they have already moved on, because they can now laugh at least.

Laughter is one thing when it comes to you , it will always take away..

The sadness.. the bothersome thoughts.. the present thought process of mind.. the deep melancholy.. the sad songs which one repeatedly would listen to .. takes away all ..

Now all of these indulgences often allow us to become unusually quiet.. not really peaceful though!! In that quietness, if we keep on chasing the inner world of memories, spoken words, unanswered questions, unmet glances or fortunate coincidences or the lived happier moments , we lose our self. Often we do things because we wanna lose our self. Listening to music comes handy and takes not even a thought.

Sometimes living in memories brings back a smile , sometimes heart feels sad as to why would some people make life so complicated for themselves.. more than situations do, people complicate their own self.. by breaking away from their own identity.. stepping upon their own beliefs.. doing things that give momentary happiness.. and being with people with whom they can just hang around with and have fun.. this is surely a part of moving on for them.. no more they would claim that they are not emotionally attached to the person they are with at the moment. .

So does moving on teaches one to be emotionally conservative . .? skeptical.. ?
To a certain level we tend to be careful not to show our emotions as openly and naturally as we might have earlier when we knew what do people need to move on and far about ..!
If conservatism allows not the free expression when two people are together, would that relationship then work out.. ? It might if the other person is not in the phase of moving on as such and can always be extra loving, extra caring and extra almost every emotion that makes believe in life and love. So what if the extra effort is expected from your side and you are already so emotionally consumed that all you wanna do is think and talk about anything but relationship and commitment..

You just wanna be yourself and yet not because you are being careful this time .. and yet every next time it would always in the beginning make feel that , may be this time its true. Its always the next time as the statistics would show. 


So why do we needa bank upon such negative experiences in life which would leave us with nothing but a skeptical attitude where in just because the first time we came across a different ( WRONG!! ) person , now we would try and judge the authenticity of every thing said, and done by this second person ( second becomes first, coz if it as any true, the first one still would have been there.. !!)

Moving on …
The more we would think of it n try and really move on.. the more it would stick on to us.. and consume us.. instead if we give it some time.. talk it out .. and not just try and push it somewhere deep inside our body.. it will gradually come out in the open and would just dissolve peacefully.. when we talk and share with the closest person in our life.. it feels good… it works the same way around..

You give moving on all the shit it wants.. just talk it out.. do your part.. and without making it a whole topic of discussion out there and seeking sympathy.. just a li’l time for your self and with your self shall do the magic.. and leave one feeling all afresh.. people come in our life and go.. some stay.. and that’s how it is.. we can make them happy while they are with us.. so that when they are gone n some other day , after the second one also seems to be the different ( wrong) person.. and we lie down yet again on our bed n close our eyes.. playing the same old song and relaxing in our deep melancholy … we don’t end up chasing the sadness in our memories again but could actually think of the happier moments and cherish .. and go to sleep with all the warmth and hope and the lyrics of our fav. songs playing in our dreams…


Life is a thought.. we can have it right within..


Akanksha Chaudhary ..

Of all the things we notice and not.. ..

when we see things and people not, they see us.. ..

this one after a long time is for a friend, i don't know if i can even call him a friend, for, almost all the part of the journey I didn't even take notice of his presence but knew that that person knows about me being in the same cruise. I was lost, i was looking at the water and trying to serach something out. Of course, at such times, we never know what we are searching for... so i am no exception.

why am i writing this.. ? well, there need not be a reason to write a thought. And yesterday night, while almost putting myself to sleep , I missed a smile. A genuine one. One that assures you that no matter where you go in this wide world there are still people who would smile at you especially on a day when you need that reassuring gesture may be from your best of friend but when it suddenly , unexpectedly comes from a stranger, then heart becomes vibrant witha thought that indeed world is not such a bad place to live in..

this happened, i mean this realization came in port blair, while was heading off to ross island.. was just remerbing ths friend, this stranger, who was so interested in photography that even when we were left stranded on the island with no boat, no electricity around, nothing to our rescue and people were getting panicky, then he stood some steps away from me, smiling. He said nothing, so i thought i should ask something.

So in my LSR accent that almost got me laughing i asked.. "wats lyke d time..' .. ... got us both laughing..



Akanksha..

remaining part of the mystical night ##

This is the remaining part of the ‘The Mystical Night#1#’ (http://www.jatland.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15442)


The Mystical Night ##unfolding##.. cont..

‘It would all be fine’ Mahek said repeatedly, looking in to my eyes. But she didn’t get any assured blink from me this time. It was almost 5:30 am as the couple quietly asked us to follow them uphill again. ‘Market area’ the slip had read. And we were climbing the hill again. It seemed desultory and the interpretation of their willingness a constant conundrum to me. But being only little suspicious about the couple, I was drowned in my thoughts as I could see the night sky burnishing the settled clouds for the waking sun.

‘when nature surpassing millions of men can start afresh every morning with a new sun, then men have but no right to be sadistic, because nature bears us more than we could ever bear anything else in the world’

After being silent for a while, the couple started conversing in their strange dialect that we couldn’t understood. As we all talking and in groups carefully climbed the rocky narrow area, the lady turned back and pointed to one distant building in white. Temple or church, none could make out as it was still far.
After seeing at least sth that looked like our destination, all were relaxed and my suspicions were taken away by the smiles that stayed on everybody’s lips for a while.

‘dew drops could be seen and touched on the leaves, and as I stopped to look at the horizon under a shady tree, Mahek and Deepika shook the tree making the dew water fall on me and thus my somnolence drifted away with the fresh cold air that blew ever so fast..’

The lady came up to us and suggested a short way to the church, after following that route for a while, we found ourselves moving away from the church as it became more distant, so we refused to follow them anymore. The couple was quite taken aback when we said that. Again, they exchanged a look, for god knows what.
We all decided that now we could go on our own and after thanking them we took the way we thought was right.
‘woan go alone. Nah safe.’, the man said.
‘we maah deliver.its aah duti’, the lady added.

They lady appeared motherly and we were glad that they want to accompany us. No aspersions whatever could be felt for the couple from anyone of us. Now they followed us, although, where they originally were going early morning before they met us remained unasked.

In another half an hour we should be up there and then camp, joyita declared cheerfully. As each one of us was dying to just go back to our camps and sleep off. Half way around, the man took leave from us and left for somewhere and now only the lady was accompanying. Where did he go? I was left wondering.
But nobody bothered his absence, as each one of was busy in noticing the hills.. wild roses.. strawberry bushes..and just enjoying the peace that crowned throughout the woods as we walked on. As we climbed on slowly, we were not tired. The lady was suddenly found talking on a mobile, which was pretty uncommon at that time.

‘feeling alone even when with friends is one of the strangest feelings
and it stays in your heart when you least want it to. Damn! things always come when unwanted in this world! ’

When we were still five minutes away from climbing the church, lady said, ‘maah home heer, welcoam in.i weel show, maah guests aah goahd’
We refused, she insisted. Religiously, she convinced us, and under an obligation and her motherly presence we followed her inside the small two roomed house, she offered us to sit down, it wasn’t that clean and suggested irregular dwelling. She went to get us some water. We all relaxed and everybody thought of just getting our last hint and then returning back to the cozy camp.

It was just when ten minutes had passed that we realized the lady’s prolonged absence, and we got up towards the door only to find ourselves locked in. I was stolid as I sensed it coming and yet ignored all along the way. Others were more worried than scared. None of us had any cell.
At this moment unlike others, we could not even feel that our coach might be somewhere around.
When expected, Nothing happens.

The door was wooden and engravings made it seem traditional. No window was there in the room and we cursed ourselves for not noticing how and when we were locked from both the sides. She did shut the door saying that her baby is sleeping in the other room, but we never thought we would end up getting locked like this. It was happening just like in movies. And although scared now, we all discussed about kidnappings and what not.

We were all made quiet as we heard the man’s voice once in between, but no other voice followed his and no reply came..

Cont. .. .. .. ..




Akanksha Chaudhary

Rooh..

mehfoos..

Mehfoos..


Wo jhula bahon ka, aur ma ke sehlate geet
Wo pehle kadam mai paayi zameen, aur aakhon mai mehfoos huyi preet




Thaam ke rakh sakun un lamhon ko sada
Dil mai rahe bus kuch aisi hi reet..

Suna nahi kabhi shayad, sataya kyun tumko ma har pal
Sun ne ko wo daant o ma ab tarse hai mann har ghadi

Shaam hote ghar laut aaon, ki thi ma kosish kai
Sun loon mai teri baaten sabhi, lagi rahe mujhe lagan ek wohi

Tan se badh jayenge, manzar na bhi rahe ek saa sada o ma
Tere kisson ka itminaan par, mann se rakhega chota
Chahe mai jaon jahan..


Apni manzil ki aur badhun mai to bus tera hi saya le chalun
Aakash chune ki teri mannat ko shapath maan ke jee chalun..

Aari se kaate na kate jaise preet ka bandhan koi
chup rehne se rok na sake mann ki baaton ko koyi

bhulon na apni zamin apne kul ki reet ko mai ma kabhi
panah paye meri rooh mai teri wo pyaar ki chavvi sabhi..

tan se badhen hai ma, mann se hai chotten abhi
aaj bhi maan logi na har ek zidd meri..

Wo jhula bahon ka , wo sehlate geet
Wo pehle kadam mai paayi zameen, aur aakhon mai mehfoos huyi preet


Tan se badh jayenge, mann se rahenge chote hi
Jo bhi kahun mai , man hi logi na aakhir mai wahi

Sahil si is duniya mai, bhool na jayun apni maati ki Mahek ko kahin
Bula lena apne paas o ma bhul jaon agar khud ko mai kabhi..

Kahun kuch to inkar nahi karogi o ma
Aakhon mai kisi bhi nami ko kabhi panah nahi dogi na..

tan se badhen hai ma, mann se hai chotten abhi
aaj bhi maan logi na har ek zidd meri..

Wo jhula bahon ka , wo sehlate geet
Wo pehle kadam mai paayi zameen, aur aakhon mai mehfoos huyi preet



Akanksha..

The Mystical Night..

Some memories arise from the past drops,

where a past drop always drowns..

It was almost midnight when we heard our camping coach wake us all up& get ready for a night game. Almost every girl was half sleepy, some of them moony(as they had been up singing songs), some of them feeling hazy,& yet as we were asked to get our torches& assemble near the fireplace.

Narkanda, some 50-60 kms far away from Shimla, is like a small village, made beautiful by silent rocks,a soft coldness in the air of night essences the huts & the hearts of people who live there.People seemed as real as the impression created by those first steps walked upon by a kid on a fresh rain water possessing sand.

Beauty of this world lies in being real Our Own Self..

We all assembled& four groups were formed. Since it was a camping place, no other dwellings were to be seen anywhere around.

No, it was not scary. The darkness often allures. It was quiet, shy, mystical, hidden, accepting & beautiful.

All the groups were given a rope &we tied it around the waist because we were soon to start a game &roam around among the rocky forest with just a guiding slip.Yes, it was Treasure Hunt.But not the usual one.

We were guided to an altogether different path, it was a new place for us & it was night. We all initially refused saying that its not safe, yet the silence & those eyes so sure of our coach didn’t let us go back to sleep& It was almost one o’clock then. Watches were allowed but no cell phones. Self help is what our coach wanted us to believe in.Teachers were unaware, which made us all grow more curious.

He ordered us to leave& we were supposed to find our way back to the camp.Finally we left the camp area.

We were excited as it was all dark & stepped down on the road.Other groups were directed in different directions, so we had no idea about them.
Our slip read:Right Purity knows water, water doesn’t . Near water, underneath some weight, white words written.

We knew that we have to find some water body,to find our next clue. So we walked a little more & then slowly climbed on the rocks to our right and after half an hour of climbing we saw a fall finally.

Apart from the anxiety to find our next clue,nature was ever so beautiful & night made it shine in the silence of dreams, as everyone slept comfortably, night preserved nature,its fresh essence, leaves covered with dew drops,wild strawberry plants growing on the edge of the path we walked on to, the roses,composed &still

I was busy noticing,while the other two girls found one slip under the stone. the 2nd slip suggested that the water was not safe for drinking.Everything was easy &beautiful up till now.

We hardly knew that the words on that slip would take us to a place we had never thought of. It was scary..
The second slip read ‘market area,climb many stairs, twin, earthen pot peepal tree. worship.candles’

We all climbed to more height and from the top we saw the lighted market area & we started looking for some temple probably or a church as candles were mentioned.But a peepal tree in a church? We were confused.By now the time was almost 3a.m. as we had to climb down with the help of the rope. It took a long time. And required a great deal of patience and strength.

We had been practicing rock climbing, so it came to us like a test. Luckily we all passed but it was scary to a certain extent as we tied the rope to the trees by ourselves& chose which tree would be the best.

We saw some people but they helped little.We saw only one temple, chose the right side stairs to go up there but it was closed& had no earthen pot anywhere& peepal tree. We were losing hope by now. As we roamed around it was 4:30 by the watch. we climbed down& were tired.

We sat by the side of the road to relax. The sky was preparing itself to wake up and we could see sky brightening up slowly..It seemed like we were the last ones on the earth . Since we had not found our next clue we had to wait before we cud ask someone& walk further. But all along the way we felt that our coach was somewhere round the corner.& whenever we sat down to relax &were talking or joking around we felt guilty.

It was a funny moment to acknowledge that even happiness and relaxation can bring a feeling of guilt within.

But then we could have done nothing better than being at peace & not get panicky. Time passed as we all talked. Somewhere A beautiful bond was assured between all of us as we climbed down the individual differences.
After a long wait we saw a couple coming in our direction.

Their mien & language suggested that they belonged to that place. As they walked by we asked them (they knew a little english and no hindi)
‘some temple or church in this area that you know?’ mahek asked.The man stared at the lady & said>a church!Sure know!
Can you please tell us the way to the church? I asked
We going there.Can take there as well > the lady replied as they both blinked in consensus after some minutes .

Everyone was happy. I was kinda suspicious &suggested that we should ask more people but they were restless enough to get back to the camp that they neglected &said> stop worrying it would all be fine.
How I wish it went all fine! But.. only if..

To be continued..

akanksha..

Aarzoo..

Aarzoo..

Sapnon ke aakash tale, kalpana ki hawaon se door

Palkon ke saaye tale, nazar ki parchaiyon se door..

Ehsaas ke kadmon tale, aahaton ki dhakan se door

Aawazon ke daayre tale, raat ki arzoo se door..

Jise dhoondti hai neegahain , kya wahi ho tum..

girti baarish ki boondon tale, badalon ki chadar se door

behti hawaon ki narmiyon tale, jagti huyi kamna se door..

jaagte huye armanon ke tale, soti huyi jannat se door

saath nibhane ki chaah tale, har subha ki arzoo se door.

Jise dhoondti hai neegahain, kya wahi ho tum..

Bhawna ki bheeni khushbu tale, umang ki us raah se door

Jeewan ki mannaton tale, dooriyon ki deewaron se door

Chahaton ki muskaan ke tale, sundar se us ghar se door

Khushi ke har sagar tale, khamoshi ki arzoo se door..

Jise dhhondti hai neegahain, kya wahi ho tum..

Thamti saason ke tale, geeli un neegahon se door

Jise dhoondti hai neegahain , kya wahi ho tum..

Jeene ki sabhi aashaon tale, muskurahat ki kiran se door

Jise dhoondti hai neegahain, kya wahi ho tum..

Komal chandni ke tale, nisha ki mand mehek se door

Jise dhoondti hai neegahain, kya wahi ho tum..

Arzoo ki is chaah tale, Arzoo ki in sabhi arzuon se door

Jise dhoondti hai neegahain, kya wahi ho tum…

Akanksha ..

Ps: This is my first attempt to write something in hindi.

I know I suck at it, nevertheless.. I tried..to give word to my feelings..

Dreams as our guiding language, past life, and their relation with the present day life..


Does past life really exist? Do dreams convey anything that could actually help us in reality? Do they affect our present in any way?

Well, after conducting a little research on thought patterns of people and what they think about re-birth, dreams as a directing language and their importance in our present day life, across delhi and chandigarh, I got a mixed response, around 50% people(age group 25-45) strongly believed in existence of past life and how, what we did in our past life might affect our present life as well however they claimed of dreaming irregularly, while only 30 % people(age group 16-25) supported the notion of existence of any such thing as past life but they did show a willingness to be interested in dreams analysis, and then 20% included those who said, ‘we don’t really care’.

With the ongoing activities in our life, we don’t really care of what we did in past and if our past doings resulted in what we are today, with whom and what we possess.

And yet when life’s uncertain ways are suddenly revealed to us taking our loved ones away from us, then a normal tendency to attain sadness in our expressions takes over us and then people naturally tend to think all over again about the person lost and how their life has been unfortunate enough to lose them.

As we are brought closer to having belief in some power above, such unfortunate happenings might make us look at life in a different perspective altogether.

Sadness when pursued attains a fixity.


As I talked to some of the people who said they take their dreams seriously, I was in a fever pitch as they told many dreams that actually came true in their lives. From my personal experience with my dream cycle, I wanted to believe them. They were not sure although that their dreams always suggest something or do come true and yet they agreed that they do provide a direction in one way or the other. Since there has been no evidence for dreams being our guiding language, we can only rely on our senses and without biasing our thoughts can justify our dreams after the happening of events.

Yes, its not essential that we need to seek a meaning in our dreams before anything happens in our life. For starting off with the dream analysis, we can just notice things happening around in our life and then see if the dreams that you saw previously indicated anything related or resembling to what happened in your life.

Some of the people who liked writing, suggested on maintaining a dream diary. Although, only a few people confessed of dreaming regularly.

For others job tension, hectic days, family concerns and other important aspects lead to a fitful sleep. And once a while they dreamt and that too they are unable to recall as they wake up.

Nor that analyzing our dreams and understanding them is the quintessence of living life perfectly; its meaning and chase interests those who dream regularly and have felt them coming true right there in front of their eyes.

Only a few knew about past life therapy which aims to make you remember what all happened in your past life, I personally don’t believe in this, but dreams yes, have been a guiding language for me, that made me conduct this research.

It was interesting. And yet as amazing as the idea of getting to know about the future through dreams sound, its scary as well, coz dreams are not always good.

They are relative to death as well. Unfortunately, I have seen two such dreams so far where my two close friends lost their grandfathers and I knew about it. But could never tell, thinking that I might just hurt them or make them lose their hope that they will recover. It kills you to acknowledge that you saw them dying and could do nothing. I could do nothing.

Dreams give no surety.

All starts and ends with a belief.


Till the time you believe, everything exists..

However am curious to know how many of us here have actually felt the dreams coming true and if they believe in dreams as a guiding language.

Akanksha Chaudhary..

rains..

rains! yes, they are finally here..

Clouds.. dark..yet bright as they can lighten up my old beliefs in love and life once again..

settled and determined.. yet as they move calmly bearing their identities.. they always return to me.. hug me with all their care as they cover the entire house.. a domiciliary visit, expresses the air in its jealous constitution..

coming back home.. it actually was..

as the drops started to fall, clouds, ingenuous, were flown a little away from my dwelling. Air, innocuous, suggested me to keep away from feeling any care or new drops of the new rainy sky.

And yet provided a medium to those drops to fall on me.. allowed the rain to come down and wash away my tears.. everything is meant to be cared for in this world.. beings, birds, trees, property, identities, relations, possessions, everything needs a careful eye.. to stay preserved.. nature is one holy link to this bonding .. it suggests, attempts, display and direct..


as the trees were made fresh again, as the flowers were touched with love, as my feelings were freshened in that rain if hope, as nature has once again touched my soul.. it brought me closer to my own self of volition.. to that self.. which recognized love, care and beliefs in the lord above..

something’s blindside the important aspects of our life, self-less care, though easy to say than follow surely lets us feel the real meaning of love in our lives.. not a word it is, that you can just say and forget and then feel again.. its something that stays unsaid.. untold.. conveyed only through eyes of your heart..

as my schoolmates came over that rainy day, we all danced away in the rain, after so long, I could feel the kid in me, that same kid who would dance around, joyfully, without even any slightest consciousness of who’s watching you.. music that we played nurtured our senses.. as we all conversed our lives listening to music.. lying on the lawn.. under those shady trees.. we realized what life is.. and what friendship is.. it was beautiful.

Shubha Mudgil’s ‘ab ke saawan aise barse..’ was our all time favorite and also ‘garaj baras saawan ghirayoo..’ many songs we listened all lighted up our spirits as the rains drops fell.. and made us all feel vibrant and ever so aware of ourselves and our beliefs and our lives!!
I made my friend listen to this b’ful song from the movie..phir milenge.. ‘jeene ke ishaare mil gaye..bichre the kinare mil gaye..many times..
love this song..

As the clouds rested in the clear sky , sun came out shyly, all silent and saffron holding the hands of those grey clouds.. being with love and in love, even sun silences its ire of fire.. love always stays..



Akanksha..

not glowing alone..

akanksha..

lighting up my hidden self..

akanksha..

after>> the silent possession of those rainy clouds..

akanksha..

Miami pics..

these are some of the pics my cousin took.. i love clouds so much..

akanksha..

ummm..clouds.....

the treeline of the cloudy sky..

can i move on where they fly on..

or do they always follow the words of my eyes..

akanksha..

livin by the sand.. i hope they fly like that too sumday..

akanksha..

if water cud bear my reflection of love forever.i wud stay in that reflection forever....

sum new light? or sum light of the grown up past?

akanksha..