past ran away the inhibitions
new came along all revealations
tip-toed that chasing silence came to an end
zig-zag we ran our traces we left a trail of
follow me, follow me not
for, past ran away myinhibitions
speak to me, speak to me not
new I am , here for what you are
criss-cross, you kept your stare on the bed
zip-zap and high flew away
the days never to end
be with me, be with me not
have named you for divinity
hold me , hold me not
life ties strong, to behold and belong
ages, years and all crazy distances
what was never a possibility
appeared what a mere dream
created that in me a dream
has come alive
with the beat of the heart
where one cannot wait for the days to start .. .
A.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Impatient Tidings .. .
For today I want to be unstructured, unstructured in my writing, unstructured in my thought process, unstructured in my life, unstructured about the things I do and almost everything.
Yes, I am at this vantage point in my life right now, from where I can see my college corridor . .
Its unusually empty as I see it right at this moment.. and as I am stepping on to find my old teachers, I can see none, the classrooms are empty , I had thought I would just barge in when I see Renu Ma’am teaching and surprise her.. but its all empty .. Then I decide to check up the canteen thinking that at least I would be able to have my favorite Apple pie and then when I finally go in there, I see that the canteen is almost empty except for some office people lying down in one of the corners and catching up on their sleep probably after having their lunch for the day.. And I realize, bloody hell, its vacation time… and I was expecting whole bunch of my favorite teachers, food items to be all there … crazy…
And then as there were not many people in the college and the sky was killer today .. . all containing clouds of various forms and depths.. and there I go .. I just took my camera out and was soon enjoying being in the space I was a part of for three long years..
LSR gave away a lot to me.. in shaping up my thinking the way I always wanted to .. . helped me realize that in life if you want to walk you way, you got to take your own steps…
And then I sat down in one of the gazebos for some time and was just thinking of how life has transformed from LSR to becoming a part of an MBA institution… something which was totally un-thought of by me and now I have grown so okay with it that its stopped surprising me when I tell people that I am doing MBA.. Also, its not that bad as I always thought it to be.. . Ya, we form perceptions all the time..
But also so many times when things happen to us in life, they don’t happen to prove us wrong, they happen to make us realize that there is something right in everything we thought was wrong …
Over the time I have also vanquished my instinctive calm and now more often I stick on to impatience which only ends up making me feel not quite like myself and then I wonder.. I always wonder when the day wakes up that .. hey .. what the hell is going on with you girl… you were always the calm, subtle, vibrant and the patient types and now you follow your impulses a way too frequently and also if you want something, you just want it then and there and if that doesn’t happen you totally lose interest and want to forget about those things and people.. I mean hold on … breathe… just take a nap in the quilt.. hold on … .
I don’t know if my attempts have been valiant even a bit but I so sometimes feel like I could be a part of those ancient Valhalla’s whenever I tend to become impatient and could come back to life when am myself and not ruled so much by my impatience.. .
Okay .. now why the hell I am making it such a big deal if I get impatient.. well, it just doesn’t stop there.. When I am impatient and suppose I want to talk to this friend but because of x,y, z reason I am not able to .. And then what happens..?
I should understand and try and catch up the next time .. Right ? Hell no! With me, its like If I cant do that thing right then and there , and seek satisfaction in being impulsive, I lose interest and just want to jump to conclude things with friends.
Though off lately I have so stopped myself to do that. But this is so unlikely of me to even think on such lines.. This really bothers me a lot sometimes.. . I mean do I even realize how much its going to be a matter of shock to the other person when I suddenly behave like I don’t even wanna know them anymore, and all in the name of impatience..
I mean its not worth it .. . cutting off people just like that.. just coz of one impulsive moment .. you cut off everything and what do you end up doing .. hurting people you so thought you want to care for.. .
So for now, I am so gonna try and forget my impatience behind the valance and look out for it when I know that I am impulsive enough to throw it out in the trash .. ..
Impulsiveness I know I can never avoid. :)
Akanksha Chaudhary
9/07/09
Thursday, June 18, 2009
what to do if not love?
Of all the times when you feel high and low, of all the places you want to be and not, of all the sides in a person you get to see or not, breaking up is one hell of a feeling which leaves your room soon enough not .. .
Breaking off the friendly chord that once dragged the nights in to a series of laughing riots or breaking up with the person whom you thought you would be able to simply love forever causes no less pain than even when one chooses to talk about it to friends and try and get over it . Don’t know if it relieves of the anger and the sadness point within but yes by talking about it you do once again bend on to live those very moments you thought were the sweetest ones in your life. And that doesn’t help at all!!
It just brings back.
So what to do in such a terrible situation when every hour seems to be jumping outta the clock and reminding you of that time?
Time passed. Time spent. Time lived.
If its such an awful state to be in then why do people get in to relationships at all? What is it that changes the whole charm of being with that person later on? Is it that we grow out of love just like that or is it that we have seen all the sides of that person, got to know all that we could have about that person that we somewhere start looking elsewhere to find something more deeper and new. Or is it that our priorities change or so we believe and since we can’t commit either that we break up?
In matters of love of any kind or form, we just trust ourselves and we don’t wanna see or believe in what’s been happening to people around us. And one thing that we surely don’t need at that time is > advice. We believe we can handle our own relationships well .And so we put all our trust that is there to put in that person. Also we become a better person , as in more caring, more loving and more understanding . In normal situations we might not have tried so hard to see things the way the other person sees but when we know that we love someone we really try hard so that we don’t jump over or oversee any stair that is there to climb to touch up that person deep down.
How important that person becomes and all the elements of our life start revolving around the energies created and shared by that person . And then when they are withdrawn, its empty how we feel and its crazy that we do.
Investing yourself again in another person either comes in very quickly or it takes a lot of time because we develop trust issues. Love knocks in again. We are made such that we cannot not love. And it could happen again.
After being in love for the second time, when we are still reminded of the experiences/words from the first relationship sometimes then again we miss a beat. But more importantly we know we barely would want that person back again. They were what they were to us once. The World.
And now someone else has come in and they are pushing the roads for us. And why wont we walk with them when they showing us the way?
Things about the past are hard to forget and shouldn’t be forgotten. What needs to be remembered is the fact that they did give us something good, something bad , something fun, something mad. We all play roles. Love roles. Friend roles. Silent roles. And sometimes we create roles too.
And life isn’t one extended role.
It’s a series of things that happen all around and within us and we are surrounded constantly by several energies around us. Sometimes we pick on the right one and get it passed on to us for all the good reasons. We get a new role for our self and we create another for the other person. Life evolves and plays constantly. Nothing lasts forever and nothing is meant to be forever.
What happens, happens here on this very planet. And some force connects us all in strange ways. It takes away and brings back. It re-bonds and rejuvenates. It makes life. And accidental pairs. Pairs that play on till the last breath lasts. Pairs that learn of loving as the dew drops make for a new start just to let your little heart know that the world would never fall apart.
Breaking off the friendly chord that once dragged the nights in to a series of laughing riots or breaking up with the person whom you thought you would be able to simply love forever causes no less pain than even when one chooses to talk about it to friends and try and get over it . Don’t know if it relieves of the anger and the sadness point within but yes by talking about it you do once again bend on to live those very moments you thought were the sweetest ones in your life. And that doesn’t help at all!!
It just brings back.
So what to do in such a terrible situation when every hour seems to be jumping outta the clock and reminding you of that time?
Time passed. Time spent. Time lived.
If its such an awful state to be in then why do people get in to relationships at all? What is it that changes the whole charm of being with that person later on? Is it that we grow out of love just like that or is it that we have seen all the sides of that person, got to know all that we could have about that person that we somewhere start looking elsewhere to find something more deeper and new. Or is it that our priorities change or so we believe and since we can’t commit either that we break up?
In matters of love of any kind or form, we just trust ourselves and we don’t wanna see or believe in what’s been happening to people around us. And one thing that we surely don’t need at that time is > advice. We believe we can handle our own relationships well .And so we put all our trust that is there to put in that person. Also we become a better person , as in more caring, more loving and more understanding . In normal situations we might not have tried so hard to see things the way the other person sees but when we know that we love someone we really try hard so that we don’t jump over or oversee any stair that is there to climb to touch up that person deep down.
How important that person becomes and all the elements of our life start revolving around the energies created and shared by that person . And then when they are withdrawn, its empty how we feel and its crazy that we do.
Investing yourself again in another person either comes in very quickly or it takes a lot of time because we develop trust issues. Love knocks in again. We are made such that we cannot not love. And it could happen again.
After being in love for the second time, when we are still reminded of the experiences/words from the first relationship sometimes then again we miss a beat. But more importantly we know we barely would want that person back again. They were what they were to us once. The World.
And now someone else has come in and they are pushing the roads for us. And why wont we walk with them when they showing us the way?
Things about the past are hard to forget and shouldn’t be forgotten. What needs to be remembered is the fact that they did give us something good, something bad , something fun, something mad. We all play roles. Love roles. Friend roles. Silent roles. And sometimes we create roles too.
And life isn’t one extended role.
It’s a series of things that happen all around and within us and we are surrounded constantly by several energies around us. Sometimes we pick on the right one and get it passed on to us for all the good reasons. We get a new role for our self and we create another for the other person. Life evolves and plays constantly. Nothing lasts forever and nothing is meant to be forever.
What happens, happens here on this very planet. And some force connects us all in strange ways. It takes away and brings back. It re-bonds and rejuvenates. It makes life. And accidental pairs. Pairs that play on till the last breath lasts. Pairs that learn of loving as the dew drops make for a new start just to let your little heart know that the world would never fall apart.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
The Final Delusion
Had long ago left your space
your memories let drown
your entity never allowed to let surround
But one afternoon it was you who again came around
a sad happening you told the tale of
my heart grew receptive to your words
a new space out you towards
and i stepped ahead forward
life is not a coincidental plan
it makes sure to tell you, to show you
to whom you should belong and how you were all wrong
Delusion it was of a sweetest month
the final one in for you to conclude its term .. .
We have to stop believing in some people who were once a part of our closest life . Generally left with no other alternative but to let them go, to forget them for the rest of our life and just simply getting on with things. But then life is not al that simply planned. It has its own spices for cooking up those final ingredients of life. And at no cost, no amount of prayer would not show us the kind of reality we never wish to see. We gotta see it all. We are sorta made to .
So there we are, after a point of time that same person you had all forgotten about in years suddenly tip toes in to your routine again. And because you wouldn't otherwise get your thoughts to grow considerate towards that person again , there would be an 'add on incident ' that would make you grow all sympathetic, and wanting to be there as a person, as a friend. But knowing that the other person had loved you at some point of time, it gets rather tricky to keep the line of phone calls till the 'hi, whats up level ' .. . it kinda gets down to ' you have had your lunch sweetheart ?' or something. And then you start thinking, this person has come back exactly because 'God' wanted me to realize that my decision was wrong, wrong, wrong. And hey just look outta the window> that peson is all new, all ready to shower you with the kinda love you always wanted to have and feel within, around you !
And just when you think, 'Yes, i know it man ! I was so wrong about him/her', Bang. There crashes the trust cycle. And also our such great hobby of thinking that we can predict our life . And finally know who belongs where in our life.
Things like this also room out this personal belief that the number of times a person comes back in your life and the number of time your trust is broken. It just simply shows that no matter how many times that person might come back, life is trying to show you that that person isn't the right one for you . Because its not a joke that every time you are proved wrong. So, where we think that someone's coming back is a great sign out forward for us to believe that that person is the right one. Think again, it could just be otherwise. ;)
A.
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