For today I want to be unstructured, unstructured in my writing, unstructured in my thought process, unstructured in my life, unstructured about the things I do and almost everything.
Yes, I am at this vantage point in my life right now, from where I can see my college corridor . .
Its unusually empty as I see it right at this moment.. and as I am stepping on to find my old teachers, I can see none, the classrooms are empty , I had thought I would just barge in when I see Renu Ma’am teaching and surprise her.. but its all empty .. Then I decide to check up the canteen thinking that at least I would be able to have my favorite Apple pie and then when I finally go in there, I see that the canteen is almost empty except for some office people lying down in one of the corners and catching up on their sleep probably after having their lunch for the day.. And I realize, bloody hell, its vacation time… and I was expecting whole bunch of my favorite teachers, food items to be all there … crazy…
And then as there were not many people in the college and the sky was killer today .. . all containing clouds of various forms and depths.. and there I go .. I just took my camera out and was soon enjoying being in the space I was a part of for three long years..
LSR gave away a lot to me.. in shaping up my thinking the way I always wanted to .. . helped me realize that in life if you want to walk you way, you got to take your own steps…
And then I sat down in one of the gazebos for some time and was just thinking of how life has transformed from LSR to becoming a part of an MBA institution… something which was totally un-thought of by me and now I have grown so okay with it that its stopped surprising me when I tell people that I am doing MBA.. Also, its not that bad as I always thought it to be.. . Ya, we form perceptions all the time..
But also so many times when things happen to us in life, they don’t happen to prove us wrong, they happen to make us realize that there is something right in everything we thought was wrong …
Over the time I have also vanquished my instinctive calm and now more often I stick on to impatience which only ends up making me feel not quite like myself and then I wonder.. I always wonder when the day wakes up that .. hey .. what the hell is going on with you girl… you were always the calm, subtle, vibrant and the patient types and now you follow your impulses a way too frequently and also if you want something, you just want it then and there and if that doesn’t happen you totally lose interest and want to forget about those things and people.. I mean hold on … breathe… just take a nap in the quilt.. hold on … .
I don’t know if my attempts have been valiant even a bit but I so sometimes feel like I could be a part of those ancient Valhalla’s whenever I tend to become impatient and could come back to life when am myself and not ruled so much by my impatience.. .
Okay .. now why the hell I am making it such a big deal if I get impatient.. well, it just doesn’t stop there.. When I am impatient and suppose I want to talk to this friend but because of x,y, z reason I am not able to .. And then what happens..?
I should understand and try and catch up the next time .. Right ? Hell no! With me, its like If I cant do that thing right then and there , and seek satisfaction in being impulsive, I lose interest and just want to jump to conclude things with friends.
Though off lately I have so stopped myself to do that. But this is so unlikely of me to even think on such lines.. This really bothers me a lot sometimes.. . I mean do I even realize how much its going to be a matter of shock to the other person when I suddenly behave like I don’t even wanna know them anymore, and all in the name of impatience..
I mean its not worth it .. . cutting off people just like that.. just coz of one impulsive moment .. you cut off everything and what do you end up doing .. hurting people you so thought you want to care for.. .
So for now, I am so gonna try and forget my impatience behind the valance and look out for it when I know that I am impulsive enough to throw it out in the trash .. ..
Impulsiveness I know I can never avoid. :)
Akanksha Chaudhary
9/07/09
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